On Wisconsin and Why Your State's a Pussy

     Okay, so maybe you're not all pussies, but too many of you bitch about us (us being Wisconsin). I'd like to start off by saying I love my state, fucking love it. I have more love for my state than I do my entire country. Sure, it kinda sucks that it gets cold up here, but at least it offers some yearly variety. With that said, let's address the reasons why I've heard some recent girlish whining from other states...
     Many of you (especially you New York) seem to think we have some kind of drinking "problem" in the great state of Wisconsin. Problem? I don't think so, and here are the reasons why...
                     1. We will always beat you at drinking games. Always. Have you ever played beer pong with a Wisconsinite? If you did, you probably don't remember because you can't hold your liquer. In fact, if you go to some vacation spots down south and want to participate in their spring break drinking games, they won't let you if you present to them a Wisconsin ID. A subpoint to be made here is that Wisconsinites can turn any activity into a drinking game and are therefore typically the most interesting people to be found at a party. Here is a very small list of the things in life we make more interesting: AC/DC's Thunder (drink every time you hear "thunder"), 3 Man (a simple dice game that has no end), countless card games, word games (Myrtle Turtle is just one example), or any board game you have.

                      2. If we didn't spend so much time drinking it, how would we be able to brew such great beer? Have you tasted the beer brewed in Texas? I wish I hadn't. It tasted like watered down Coors (which, if you know anything about beer, is watered down enough). Thankfully, you have Wisconsin to save you from such bad taste with Miller and Pabst (which is shamefully owned by S&P now, but it all started in Milwaukee). Not that Miller and Pabst are all we have to offer, I feel that our micro-breweries are really where it's at, but you poor suckers in other states aren't likely to find them where you're from. If you ever do get the chance to visit this veritable beer Olympus here are a few of our best: Spotted Cow or Coffee Stout from New Glarus Brewery, Happy Ending from Ale Asylum, Whole Hog Pumpkin Ale from Stevens Point Brewery, and pretty much anything from Stone Cellar Brewery.
                     *I do give credit to New Belgium though, Fat Tire is simply amazing

                           3. We have a high alcohol tolerance. This may not seem like a big deal at first, but think about it for a minute. The benefit to Wisconsin males is that they are still functional enough to pick out attractive females after midnight (but hey, everyone has to get stuck with a coyote sometimes), still able to defend themselves decently in case of a disagreement with someone from a neighboring state, and don't do anything excessively stupid until most other people are already passed out. The women of Wisconsin gain many advantages from this as well; it's harder for men to take advantage of them because they don't get drunk as easily, they're less likely to be the kind of girl who spends the night in the bathroom crying and puking, and they can hold their own if you have to be their partner for a drinking game.

                 *These benefits mostly apply when the Wisconsinite is found among groups of people in neighboring states, but when in their own state these situations help maintain a healthy competitive society. I will also sorrowfully admit that some Wisconsinites have not been raised to be good drinkers and tend to get caught up in the prevailing culture before removing their training wheels properly. These are not REAL Wisconsinites, they are simply failed attempts at breeding.

                           4. Define "problem". I did a survey for AODE once just to see what would happen. I informed them that I drink alcohol anywhere from 4 to 7 times a week, I drink over 4 beverages in one sitting probably 4-8 times per month, and on average when I drink I have 2-5 drinks (Jameson on the rocks is my poison of choice, but it's more often beer). I was classifiied as a low-level alcoholic. I don't see a problem with my drinking habits whatsoever. I get drunk maybe once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes not at all and when I drink during the week it's typically just having a beer after dinner. It's not like drinking is having any adverse effect on my life or my responsibilites. For example, I am president of the Writer's Club, Editor in Chief of the college's literary magazine, Overlord of the D&D Club (I know I'm a nerd, see previous post), Chair of the Food Services Committe, a member of the Lecture and Fine Arts Committee, a member of Student Association, a member of the Commencement Comittee, a member of the Textbook Committee, I attend Collegium every month, I tutor writing and 3 other courses, and I'm taking 13 credits this semester (and am currently getting As and B+s). Oh, and did I mention that I'm also working on creating a website to help students find cheaper textbooks and am working on starting a non-profit organization for student scholarships? Okay, now I'm bragging, but you get the point. Of course there are some people who definately have a problem, but those people exist everywhere else too, so don't be pointing your fingers at Wisconsin (per capita consumption based on sales is higher in the south than in the midwest...that mean s you Alabama). Aside from a typical spattering of people with REAL problems, drinking doesn't have such disastrous effects that counselors would lead you to believe in many cases.

     So, all of you non-Wisconsinites can just sweep the sand out of your vaginas and quit bitching about how our culture is somehow bad because we enjoy our beer. Better yet, I invite you to come visit and see for yourself what a good time we have. Walk into a bar and witness the close relationships we share with one another by spending so much time hanging out together in a relaxing atmosphere. When I worked in a bar, the patrons became my friends and were some of the nicest, most interesting people I could associate with.