- Hair: Nerd hair is generally a dead giveaway. Although the cut itself is often outdated or unstylish, it's the cleanliness that really sticks out like a sore thumb. I've seen nerds with good haircuts, but the hair is generally greasy and in such disarray that it's hard to tell what the hairstylist was trying to accomplish the last time it was trimmed. Dandruff is also a common affliction.
- Glasses: This can be what the French call a "faux ami", or false friend. Glasses can be an indicator of geekiness, but they are definitely not a necessary nerd accessory! Plenty of nerds have glasses, but keep in mind plenty of people who are NOT nerds have glasses (classic example: Clark Kent...actually bad example, he's a fake superhero that nerds read about).
- Style of Clothing: I think all nerds want to get laid, but they're the people who look the most like they're specifically trying to repel the opposite sex. You know what I mean...The girl who wears long skirts that even your mom says she's too young for with an oversized blouse that just barely matches the hideous pattern hiding her pale legs. Or better yet, picture that boy from your math class who wears tight-legged jeans that end two or three inches above his shoes to reveal sexy, vibrantly white socks paired with a shirt his mother must have picked out. The bottom line here is a nerd's manner of dress is often a dead giveaway.
- Mannerisms: This is a large category that can be further divided into body language and speech patterns. As far as body language is concerned, nerds often slouch. This improper body carriage is probably a result of low self esteem, a common ailment among this particular species of human (a characteristic unfortunately shared by many women though they display it in a very different way). Nerds also have a tendency to speed walk, a quality that I believe they've adopted to minimize the possibility of having to interact with others by making it seem as though they're always in a hurry (even though a nerd is NEVER late for class). When it comes to speaking, it isn't the nerd's tone of voice or even pitch that gives them away, but their manner of speaking. Nerds often speak fast and seem uncomfortable when they talk to you, which is often accompanied by a pained expression on their faces. This is because it actually hurts them to talk to "normal" people for one of two main reasons (though sometimes both); they fear that "normal" people will ridicule them for what they have to say or they feel that you are inferior to the extent that what they say will sound like nonsensical gibberish to the general population. In addition to these complications I've also observed that nerds sometimes also have a speech impediment, of which stuttering is the most prevalent (probably as a result of their aforementioned anxiety towards society as a whole).
Got all that? Good, because this is where it gets tricky. Some nerds are more socially conscious than others and take extra measures to hide their truly lame interests. They dress like you, they talk like you, and they seem to be well-adjusted members of society. Don't be fooled! You can spot a nerd in the unlikeliest of places if you know what to look and listen for. Hairstyle, general clothing style, and glasses are no longer going to give you the truth you seek, so we're going to dig a little deeper....
- Brands/Graphic Ts: Although the general style of closet nerds won't generally give them away, there are small details that can provide you with clues. Of course any T-shirt with a dragon, fairy, magic use of any kind, or dice on it is a giveaway even if their pants are stylish. Also, there are some nerd brands that they may feel comfortable wearing because they think the general populace won't know what those brands represent. These are brands like Wizards of the Coast, Blizzard, and most companies that involve the words guild, adventure, or dragons.
- Social Interactions: It pretty much goes without saying that even the most stealthy closet nerd is bound to have some flat-out geeky friends that associate with them from time to time. If you see some of the aforementioned blatant nerds talking to someone on a regular basis who you may have otherwise believed to be "normal" beware.
- Vocabulary: Sometimes it's hard for others to pick out nerds by listening to their jokes and lingo, but once you know the vocabulary it's like spotting a ogre in a halfling town (you didn't get that did you? But it's exactly what you're looking for). There are far too many words and phrases that come to mind to name them all, so I'll just list of some general pointers. If anyone EVER makes a statement that contains the words "you just rolled a..." or "I just rolled a..." they are a nerd. The most common situation this will occur in is one where someone commits a clumsy or stupid mistake, nerds can't resist telling them, "Wow, you just rolled a 1". If someone claims to have a "plus (insert number)" anything...confused? Here are a few examples: when boasting of superior people skills a nerd might say he has a +5 charisma check, they may also claim to have something like a +1 pencil of writing, or I've often been told I have a +6 spot check. It's cool, I know. Lastly, if you hear them mention mythical or made-up creatures often, chances are it came from the Monster Manual (for those of you who have never heard of such a thing, it's like the Audubon of D&D).
So, while it's harder to pick out a closet nerd, it's by no means an impossible task. Not that I have anything against nerds, like I said I'm a nerd myself. This entry was actually written with my friend Adam in mind. He is a total closet nerd because he fears ridicule. I would visit him at work when he was a bartender at this awesome local bar/restaurant called Choices and want to talk to him about some aspect or other of D&D. If I started the conversation when his coworkers around though, he would shush me until they left because he didn't want anyone to know he played. And yes, I have asked him if he had sand in his vagina; a question he insists on leaving open.
